I have become more vocal, it is true. Some people have gone away because they were in my life for a season, or even the wrong reasons. By not hiding who I am or what I think, I have watched some amazing and genuine people come into my circle. I am learning so many things. I have had hard lessons during my life, and one of the important ones is that I can’t worry so much about what other people think of me. That is easier said than done, and I still struggle with this.
When I became a mom after dealing with over 6 years of infertility, I knew I would do anything to protect the life growing inside of me. It was scary. I wanted to eat the right things, do the right things, avoid the wrong things. I didn’t know it then, how much easier it was to protect them before they were born.
Now, when I look at my girls, I know how much more difficult it is to make sure they are going down the right paths. And I know there will be times when they won’t. They are growing up in a world filled with masked faces, conflict, deception, weakness, and uncertain futures. I know this is nothing new, but it is more pungent to me now that I am a mama. There are times I worry about what kind of world we brought them into. But I know that God loves them even more than I do, and that’s saying a lot. He gave them to me, in this moment, on purpose. I cherish my family and will stand up for them.
Reminders of how quickly my girls are growing surround me every day. Their littleness is precious and fleeting. When I hear them talking to each other in the next room and they start giggling together, it fills me with warmth. There are so many emotions, it is hard to describe them all. When I have to discard the next size of clothes as they grow. When I hear them crying in genuine pain or sadness. When I hear, “Mommy!” on repeat – 87 times in a row. When I clean sticky handprints off of windows, or fish petrified chicken nuggets from deep under the bookshelf. When I scrub popsicle and grass stains out of tiny clothes on a summer day. When I calm them down from a case of being too hungry or too tired. When I scrub paint off counters and pick stickers off of walls. When we sing “Twinkle, twinkle” for the billionth time that day. Every job that I do to serve my family, no matter how big or small or tedious or mundane it feels in the moment, is worth it. Someday I will suddenly notice how long it has been since they asked to me kiss a booboo and make it instantly all better. I will ask them if they want me to the next time they get hurt, and they will tell me no. I will realize that I didn’t even know when the last time was the last time. Things will be more complicated to “fix” as they grow. I know there are much more difficult times coming.
Fighting for the world our girls will grow up in is near the top of that list of jobs. I’m not going to stop talking about things that matter to us as a family. I’m not going to stop trying to make changes where I can, even if it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle. I want them to see an example that truth is important, no matter how unpopular it is. I want them to know that they watched their parents stand for what was right, even if it was the more difficult, and sometimes lonely road to take.
These two beautiful girls are why I won’t stop. They are gifts to me, they are our future.